The Intro

Hola!

Hello everyone and thank you for taking  time out of your life to visit what I believe is my first blog. The photo above is me at Lake Murray State Park in Oklahoma. I spent my 2017 spring break together with other University of Houston students cleaning this beautiful park. I’ve always considered myself a introverted individual, however I’ve made a mission of mine to slowly open up to other earthlings. I think it would do me some good to try and open up, and the only way to do that is to put myself in those  situations where I’m forced to congregate. Weird is cool and all, but it can get quite lonely.

I am a third year student  at the University of Houston and have recently enrolled into a course titled, Atheists, Other “Heathens,” and 20th C. United States. My professor Dr. Andrew Pegoda https://andrewpegoda.com/  has asked to create this blog where I’ll be posting on a weekly basis  discussion topics about the course.

In closing,  I will quickly allow you to get to know some demographics. As I mentioned my name is Micheal Garza son of Eliseo & Mireya Garza. My parents were both born in Mexico but both moved to the US early in life and became US citizens. I was born in Houston Tx way back in April 6, 1989. I have lived in Houston my entire life, and continue to fall in love with this amazing city more and more each day. I’m the middle child of 5 siblings and I cant begin to tell you how different each one of us are.  My life at the moment feels like when you accidentally drink your 4th cup of coffee within the hour and don’t know it until your knees start to shake, realizing something has to give.  I will promise to try and make your time worthwhile as you read my posts in hope that you return.

Good day for now, much peace and love to each and everyone of you.

Micheal

goodbye for now

 

This semester has come and gone leaving the good and bad memories behind. I have learned to be more acceptance of what people believe or disbelieve in. It’s so easy to outcast someone who doesn’t have similar interest or beliefs. We tend to surround ourselves with people that act maybe even look like us. This behavior creates groups in which its members have a difficult time being exposed and to understand others non-members ideals. I have learned that I need to be more acceptance of the people that cross my paths. I can’t dismiss someone’s  unique way of thinking due to it challenging my thoughts.

Atheism is the lack of belief in the existence of a GOD or deities. Or even reject the idea that deities could exist. I did change my feelings towards this word. I among many other people would pair negative associations with this word, similarly, I  would associate people who are atheist with someone who is not easily relatable to my ideas. To be completely honest I would previously relate atheism with people that would worship some type of demonic figure. And I think the media and maybe even religion had something to do with this.

I have a hard time to think that entangling any religious fundamental values into government would create a safe space for everyone. Government should make laws that change with current beliefs that create a sense of right and wrong. I think religious values or doctrines  take to long for people to realize that they can cause negative implications for some. The people should have the say for the people that is being governed without any influence of text that is not empirically sound to say it benefits us all.

My ideal society could very well have room for religious followers as long as those religious beliefs do not take any rights away or condemn those who do not oblige by those same rules. A society that should never feel what they believe can’t be challenged.

good-bye heathens .. its been real

micheal

project update

Project update-

 

I think i am managing this project to the best of my ability considering everything else that is also needed to be done during the last couple weeks of college students semester. My final project is about homosexuality and religion. This broad topic I picked made it so difficult for me to come up with ideas on how to approach topic which is so important and relevant to my life and many others I know. I am continuing to research different types of experiments that scientist have conducted that shows the different types of prejudice that are portrayed to the LGBT group especially from those individuals with religious influences.

What really stood out for me was the current countries where laws exist that not only take away the freedoms that others have , but also punishes LGBTQIA  individuals for acting according to what feels right to them. I am proud of the 60 responses that I received from a questionnaire that I built in trying to learn more about the struggles students in or near the university face with coming out as a LGBTQIA individual, moreover the difference in struggles living in a religious household rather than one that is secular.Then at the end of each survey the the life satisfaction questionnaire. 

I plan to still conduct 1 or 2 interviews and incorporate them in my paper. I have really enjoyed researching this particular topic . It saddens me to think that people born in these countries that are so similar to me have to still face these types of disparities and in some cases be fearful for their lives to be who they are.

is it just a class?

At the  beginning of Spring semester I was convinced to minor in GLBT studies. I was a little hesitant at first. I am not completely out to most of my family as a homosexual and choosing this particular focus within my degree seemed like something I would have to eventually talk about. I decided to pursue this minor and the first thing that I did was email Dr. Pegoda- one of the instructors that lectured the intro to GLBT studies. He quickly responded with something I wasn’t expected. In his email he talked about how I instead should sign up for his Atheism, Heathens and 20th century United States. I was immediately terrified with the idea. He told me that there was only about 10 students in the class and about 70 % were students he had taught semesters prior.  These two things made me think twice about wanting to sign up. First I felt if there was only 10 students – I wasn’t going to be able to just show up for class and just listen and hangout in the back, and second I felt as if I was an outsider coming into this already established group. I was also a bit apprehensive about taking a religious class without much interest in religion or the lack of religion I have.

The first day I attended the class I noticed everyone sitting down, and the psychologist in me I started to analyze everyone. What I first noticed was the how beautiful each and everyone in the class was. Everyone had their own strong personality that was displayed- which is difficult to see in larger classrooms. The different ideas that came from everyone was overwhelming at first – which made it difficult for me to process and be able to come up with something that was related to what they were saying because the conversation continuously kept changing .This class made me think differently about discussing in a small group. I was so focused on trying to come up with something intelligent to say that that i would feel I had lost the opportunity to be able to say something to begin with. This would make me frustrated because I felt I am good at one to one conversations when I have lots of control of what the pace is set at. But if anything I felt that this was something I needed to get better at in general.

3/4ths into the semester I was really feeling the struggles of keeping up with all the assignments due for this class. The amount of reading was something that I had never  had to deal with and the content of the reading was more difficult than my psychology textbooks. I had decided that this class was taking up to much of my time and I wasn’t able to continue to spend this much time without it affecting my other classes in a negative way. I was one click away from dropping the class, but for the respect towards the processor I had decided that I needed to do this in person. Of course Dr. Pegoda convinced me not to drop it, and I honestly think I would have regret doing so.

I am so glad I have decided to stay. Some weeks I look forward to coming to this class more than anything else. It has become more than just a class. It is a safe place where people can practice being vulnerable and see what amazing outcome will come from it. I will really miss the people in this class and the whole experience I have taken from it. I will remember everyone in this class for a very long time and I hope the relationships i have built will continue long after the semester comes to and end.

Ohh Mom… I don’t believe in GoD

 

 

Last Sunday my parents decided to come visit me here at the UH campus. When they arrived we went out first for dinner then I  agreed to give them a tour of the campus grounds after our meal. It was such a nice day to walk around campus and being the first  person to even graduate High School I felt really proud of myself and I also felt my parents were really excited to be experiencing this moment with me.

My mom’s favorite building was the A.D Bruce Religion Center, which swayed the conversation to talk about God. I was actually quite excited to have the “I don’t believe in God”  conversation with them and be able to defend why using the knowledge I’ve gained from my Atheist other Heathens and 20th Century US course this semester. So the moment happened and began with , “oh btw I’m taking a religious class this semester.” And proceeded with,  “this class has helped me with my decision as to why I no longer choose to believe in religion.” My dad raised his eyebrows and had a smirk on his face. I think he was surprised on how confident I said that , especially to my mom who is a person that attends church on a weekly basis. He doesn’t attend church, and I’m sure he was eager to learn the reasons why I’m not religious  and perhaps use them when my mom is trying to get him to attend church.

I began the conversation with the topic of creationism, and if she believed God made adam then made eve from one of his spare ribs. She looked at me and responded with, “well that’s what the bible says.” I knew then this was going to be a tough conversation. I began to tell her of the proof researchers have with discovering thousands of human fossils that can show the change in brain, body size, locomotion, diet, and other aspects regarding life of early human species over the past couple million years. I asked if she really thinks the first people on this planet looked just like me and her. And the novely of God who is  all powerful had to use the rib of (adam)male to make the (eve)female.

I then asked if there was a God, why does he allow horrible things to happen to people such as the deaths of natural disasters. She responded with, “well maybe they have done something to deserve such a punishment.” I asked if she really thinks that everyone in a region where disasters and casualties have occurred was due to God abandoning them – “even the small innocent children mom?”  She looked at me and I could tell I had made her think of something she hasn’t before. I was getting somewhere and I was excited to continue this conversation with her. We talked more about the effects of prayer and the moral implication when someone “does good” even when they don’t believe that God is watching – and how that requires internal self-awareness and discipline. We even talked a bit about life after death.

I could tell my mom didn’t want to continue having this conversation, and Im sure its because I was starting to act like a bully and no longer was having a gentle discussion- I think she felt criticized by her own son.

I’m glad we opened the door to talk about these topics. I think it’s very important to be able to communicate with family members especially when it comes to sensitive topics such as the belief in God, without causing anyone to feel judged. I will continue to try and educate them to the most of my ability without overstepping any boundaries. I now know they are open to these talks and I think I made an impression of my own beliefs. Being there son I feel they are willing to listen to my thoughts about the things we differ in views, it makes me feel great to be able to do that with them .

My dad mounting Shasta

It’s my party, I can go to the Holocaust Museum if I want to- and nNncry if I want to

On April 6, 2018 I along with a friend decided to go to the Holocaust museum. The motive for going was to receive extra credit points for a Psychology of Gender class that we’re both currently enrolled for. I apologize if that reason offended you. I just wouldn’t have chosen to visit from my own defense. I will have to revisit once they move back to their original location. 

SO…. It came to surprise that I had agreed to schedule this trip on this particular Friday- my birthday! Thursday came around and was reminded about the next day’s outing. It seemed strange to go visit this museum, especially on a day where I should be celebrating life. If you’ve been to the Holocaust Museum you are quickly reminded the number of lives that were eliminated. My body tends to numb itself after the first million you read about, so by the time I reach the 10 millionth person it’s only a number and no longer associates with any form of life.

I didn’t want to be there, I had skipped over so much of the different photographs, artifacts, maps, factual boards  in attempt to reach the end as quickly as possible. As my race to the end of the exhibit neared, I couldn’t help but to remember about my visit to the September 11th Memorial Museum in NYC. 

On the car ride back to campus my friend asked how I felt. I responded that I was still trying to figure out what is the best manner to think about all of this. Should I be feeling empathetic towards a mass genocide that occurred roughly 70 years ago? Should I be feeling grateful about the really good life I have lived so far? Or should I be feeling both?

So what has the world learned from the Holocaust? What did I learn?

As long as mass murder of ethnic groups occur, worldwide anti-semitism take place, and propagandist deny that the Holocaust ever happened – the answer to that question is .. Not enough.

The Holocaust message has not had its full impact on humankind, and I’m doubting whether it will. There are roughly half a million Holocaust living survivors which are nearing the end of their life. “If we stop remembering” the Holocaust, survivor Elie Wiesel has said, “ We stop being.” Remembering this event sensitizes us to the dangers of racism, ethnic hatred, and anti-Semitism.

We cannot forget the Christian teachings that said “ You may not live among us as Jews” to secular policies that proclaimed, “you may not live among us”,  and the Nazi ideology that decreed, “Jews may not live.” Religious intolerance, ethnic prejudice and racial hatred are the ingredients that created the Holocaust.

Was is inevitable?

Human decisions created it, and people like us allowed it to happen.

We  all are personally responsible to be on guard to find such evil that can occur today.

The memory of the Holocaust should supplement the idea that evil will never occur in this manner again. Never again must ethnic hatred happen, never again must racism and religious intolerance fill our lands. Each one one of us should live in accordance  that never again will we allow tragedies, such the Holocaust to happen.

 

Bibliography

Annotated Bibliography

 

 Religion, Meaning, and Prejudice

Bruce Hunsberger ,Lynne M. Jackson

16 November 2005

https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.2005.00433.x

The academic article above sheds light how religion can affect intergroup attitudes. The researchers propose how four levels of meaning associated with religion – cognitive, motivational, societal and intergroup may both promote and reduce prejudice. Express additional factors that facilitate religious egalitarian intentions with prejudice attitudes. Lastly the reduction of religious group’s prejudice among their adherents.  

 

Religiosity and Attitudes Toward Lesbians and Gay Men: A Meta-Analysis

Bernar E. Whitley, Jr.

2009

https://doi/10.1080/10508610802471104

A meta-analysis was used to examine the relationship between Seven forms of religiosity fundamentalism- A number of confounding variables of the relationship  between religiosity and attitude toward lesbians and gay men were identified.

1)Frequency of attendance at religious services

2)Endorsement of Christian orthodoxy

3)Self ratings of religiosity

4)Intrinsic

5)Extrinsic

6)Quest orientation

7)Attitudes toward lesbians and gay men

 

Associations between Religious Personality Dimensions and Implicit Homosexual Prejudice

Wade C. Rowatt, Jo-Ann Tsang, Jessica Kelly, Brooke LaMartina, Michelle McCullers, April McKinley

September,2006

http://www.jstor.org/stable/3838292

Protestant college students in the south-central United States were measured their implicit and explicit  attitudes towards homosexual. Using the Implicit Association Test- A computer program that records reaction time as participants catigorize  symbols of heterosuxal individuals and gay men) and adjectives (good or bad words). Self reports used (RF)- Religious Fundamentalism, (CO)-Christian Orthodoxy, (RWA)-Right-wing Authoritarianism, (IM)- Impression namagement , and attidues toward heteresexual , homosexual and lesbians.

 

Qualtrics Survey

Created by Micheal Garza

Feb,2018

https://uhpsychology.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bQJjDEmwxPFe8mN

Demographic/Religious Questions along with the Happy/Life satisfaction scale

 

Interviews

Names will remain anonymous at this point.

Why are trans so left out?

Why are trans so left out?

The University of Houston hosted a performance by Alok Vaid-Menon.

Alok(they/them) is a gender non-conforming performance artist.

My premature thoughts about the performance were immediately overturned as Alok walked across the stage towards the center.  He begins by blowing into the microphone. He  records the wind sound that is resembled, and proceeds to re-loop it using a small synthesizer that is connected to the mic stand.

They records three loops, presses play, and walks towards the front of the stage. While in front and center, they ask the audience for a moment of silence to remember the 8th trans gendered person who had just been killed in a act of violence this year.  It’s astonishing last year had the highest death count at (27) individuals, and this (2018) year is already looking horrible.

I sit back and think why is this so? I’m sure the Imperialist, white supremacist, capitalist, heteronormative patriarchy, aka-the leader of the free world has a lot to do with it. These people who commit these acts of violence  feel supported due to their beliefs aligning very similarly  with that of the POTUS.

I can’t wait for the next election.

There is something terribly wrong going on. I find this crazy how this number goes unnoticed in today’s topics of discussion. If these statistics were any other hate crime, I’m almost certain it would receive first page viewers.

I find it very interesting people will accept a non gender conforming individual on stage, however as soon as this person is in public domain- those same individuals will not be as supportive. They will turn the other way rather that stand up when this person is being ostracized. I have unfortunately fallen guilty of being in this group. Pulling people down to fit in a space you’ve created for them. 

I have had a hard time understanding how could someone be so strong, and endure the negative implications by the public. Everyday  waking up thinking about how many people are going to yell out something condescending, or the possibility of physical violence. Then I think of my own choices of  a homosexual male, and ponder about the reasons I am the way I am, and the choices I’ve done to get me where I stand. Its because it makes me feel whole- its allows me to be who I am, and I guess someone who is transgendered is willing the risks of being shunned down for  a small window of opportunity to express and free themselves.

Alok proceeded with 15 minutes of stand-up comedy with topics ranging from politics to Individual rights. They shared his story of being a  gender non-conforming person growing up in the small rural town of college station with family ancestry being from India.  Yes, he stressed the struggles of growing up in such environment- but he rather tell us the good times he could remember- such as going to the Walmart with his friends, or eating “Italian”  at the local olive garden.

I hate using this term – but they’s performance made me “woke” about the struggles of the gender non-conforming and trans individuals. I have never been such in tune with  empathetic feelings as much as I was that night. I can’t recall all the great messages they provided the audience, but I can remember how this individual’s performance touched me, and changed me as a person. I will be more acceptive- less judge mental and try harder to be  an ally to those who are even less accepted than myself.

All they want is to be treated the same as others, rather than an object on display waiting to pointed and demoralized.  They want friends that will pull you down and make fun of things you do, while at the same time bring you back up when you’re in need of help.
These individuals are free, our lack of  bravery to show our wings -is not a justifiable reason to clip theirs.

-Micheal

ALOK Vaid-Menon

is praying enough?

ONLY HAVE FAITH WHEN YOU NEED IT

Its dawns on me how when in need people scavenge for help from God. I’m not sure why this makes me so irate. The people I’m talking about are those that never step into a church until all hell breaks loose. It also puzzles me why this creates such anguish to me. I shouldn’t care, It’s not like I believe if a God helps this person out its one less chance that I will be answered my prayers. Not that I do pray. It’s those people that act in such a harmful way to themselves and to others , then expect a  God free calling card. I don’t know what to think. Part of this week’s reading was a poem title In Westminster Abbey by John Betjeman.

This poem is about a women going into Westminster Abbey to pray to God, before going to her luncheon date.

In Westminster Abbey by John Betjeman:

Let me take this other glove off

As the vox humana swells,

And the beauteous fields of Eden

Bask beneath the Abbey bells.

Here, where England’s statesmen lie,

Listen to a lady’s cry

The first stanza shows us the beauty of Westminster Abbey by comparing it to the fields of Eden- Westminster is where the English monarchs are crowned and famous Englishman buried.  Clearly she’s there for the show and not to talk to God.

Gracious Lord, oh bomb the Germans,

Spare their women for Thy Sake,

And if that is not too easy

We will pardon Thy Mistake.

But, gracious Lord, whate’er shall be,

Don’t let anyone bomb me.

I like how she uses “Gracious and bomb” in the first line of this second stanza. I’m thinking WWII era. This woman is rather bold saying she will pardon God-” isn’t this usually the other way around?” God make sure not to allow anyone to bomb me. At first it seemed she had self-centered intentions, but i’ll give her this one, c’mon no one wants a bomb dropped on them.

Keep our Empire undismembered

Guide our Forces by Thy Hand,

Gallant blacks from far Jamaica,

Honduras and Togoland;

Protect them Lord in all their fights,

And, even more, protect the whites.

Oh I knew it! She’s racist!

Think of what our Nation stands for,

Books from Boots’ and country lanes,

Free speech, free passes, class distinction,

Democracy and proper drains.

Lord, put beneath Thy special care

One-eighty-nine Cadogan Square.

This woman now tries to justify all that Britain has done as a country so they don’t deserve to be harmed. God make sure her precious home stays comfy for this woman.  

Although dear Lord I am a sinner,

I have done no major crime;

Now I’ll come to Evening Service

Whensoever I have the time.

So, Lord, reserve for me a crown,

And do not let my shares go down.

She is not ashamed that she doesn’t spend much time at the church- makes me think she doesn’t really have a relationship with her God. “Dont let my shares go down” Clearly this lady values her coin more than lives.

I will labour for Thy Kingdom,

Help our lads to win the war,

Send white feathers to the cowards

Join the Women’s Army Corps,

Then wash the steps around Thy Throne

In the Eternal Safety Zone.

Now I feel a little better,

What a treat to hear Thy Word,

Where the bones of leading statesmen

Have so often been interr’d.

And now, dear Lord, I cannot wait

Because I have a luncheon date.

This is exactly what I was talking about in the introduction. She doesn’t deserve to feel good about being able to quickly go into a church and come out of it thinking she should receive credit for doing something great. Maybe I’m just salty and should not worry so much about these types of people thinking they are doing change in this world by praying and God “answering” their prayers. I’m trying really hard to change my opinion about how I feel about this scenario.

I just can’t help but to think that this woman and other people like her feel they have done their part to contribute to whatever cause they are praying for. It just makes me think they will not try as hard as someone who doesn’t pray. This lady feels a justification that work has been done whereas, in my opinion someone who doesn’t pray, or let things fall on God will have a higher chance of feeling they actually have to do something themselves to contribute .

Belief/NonBelief and God Bless Texas

 

This semester I decided to enroll in a class titled Atheist, Other Heathens, and the 20th Century United States at the University of Houston. This would be a class that I would have never thought to  sign up for, due to many apprehensive objections that come about when I think about upper level liberal studies courses. I’ve dreamed about being drowned to death with all the readings these students are required. The professor gave us an assignment;  pick a period of  24-48 hours where religion- knowing or unknowing was apart of my life.

My first thought was to go to a church and talk about that experience. I never managed to do that, even though I would be so open to experience a church service. I haven’t been to a church in a really long time, so I figured it would be nice to attend. Since I didn’t attend, I will have to talk about all the small moments backtracking 48 hours from now. I’m going blank now, but I’m sure it will start to come along.

So last night I went to a concert with a old friend of mine at the Houston Rodeo. Upon our meeting she was excited to talk about how she has been sober for over a year now. She has gone to AA meetings, and she says it’s the best thing that has happened to her. Not to long ago I learned that AA has a 12 step program which included steps in regard to a God. So AA claims that they focus more on spiritual beliefs rather than religious teaching. Now this can lead to issues for those individuals that are atheist or other non-believers. I quickly told my friend this delima that many individuals could face as a result of their beliefs.

She listened, and very calmly said many people are atheist or agnostic in the program. She even started to list the names of these individuals and how they have impacted her life. She explains that the program does require you to believe in something bigger than yourself. This belief that is bigger than yourself doesn’t necessarily have to be something religious or spiritual. She proceeded to tell me that those individuals that are non believers choose “the group” as something that is bigger than themselves.And she also said there are meet-ups within AA that are catered more to those non believers. She stressed that is it pivotal to be able to have something in your life that is bigger than yourself , whether it’s the support group or God.

It made me think a lot about how I now felt about this program. I still think they should rewrite how the rules are put together, due to how it could deter someone that is seeking help.

Religion/ religious views, values, beliefs are all around us. As I get older I start to see those pockets in my life. As of now I am not sure if they cause me harm, but they do cause some type of nerve to spark- now that i’ve taken this class at UH. After the rodeo ended the Host announced really loud “ Everyone have a good night and remember”, “God bless bless America, and God bless Texas.” Honestly the fact that he said it didn’t really bother me, but for a silly reason the fact that he said it twice did. C’mon Texas is in America no need to say it twice.

-Micheal

Are you worthy?

How much time does one need to repair yourself from a calamity?

Although this blog post is meant to talk about religion- today being spring break week I’ve decided to go off topic and talk about something that will help me understand how to deal with a situation.

I think of myself a person who is industrious, introverted, smart, ambitious, loving, enjoyable, good listener, empathetic, survivor etc… All of these things I enjoy doing, however there are moments in life when it just turns around on you and causes individuals to lose themselves into a place where only you exist and other people are not easily allowed. This dark place has terms like stress, anxiety and depression. I saw a video about depression and anxiety that was so easy to understand, and I hope it helps someone that might be feeling overwhelmed with life, and I just want to tell you that you are so worthy of love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idV2vTytp9k

Throughout my life, my environment whether in school, home or my  neighborhood has supplemented ideas, values, beliefs, and knowledge as to how to continue living a fulfilling life. What is fulfilling? Well that can be many different things for different folks, but at the end of the day the simplest way to describe what we want is one word, happiness. I think truth is also something very important to seek, but happiness is probably what most people answer as what they would like in life.  

I’m so lucky to have many people in my life that have not turned their backs on me. Many of my relationships that develop end up being long lasting, and I have a family in which the support I receive from them has been unconditional. Now speaking about the word, unconditional. This is quite a task. Which finally puts me on the topic I wanted to talk about. Loving someone unconditional.

I’m not sure about you , but for me love comes in so many forms and ways. It sometimes comes so abruptly that all you want to do is run away, and I have felt this first hand. Falling in love is one of the most mysterious and beautiful things that happens in life. However, the more I experience it, the more I realize its beauty can as well have devastating effects.

I undoubtedly believe in the power of communicating out your feelings- like I said earlier the truth sets you free. This is a tough topic for discussion but, I’m trying to be more open with my feelings after realizing vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength.

So I have fallen in love with individuals -(different from loving someone)  three different occasions in my life. These experiences have been the best as well as the most difficult at the same time. To give you a short backstory, I grew up most of my life until recently, as a closeted homosexual. I don’t  blame the environment completely for not being able to give me the courage to come out, I just never felt a need to come out. I didn’t have much interest in the same sex, or need of intimate relationships until I reached adulthood. I was a fairly quiet person and stuck to myself. The issue that has not necessarily tainted my idea about love – but has caused a dark spot  is the fact that each time I fell in love I fell in love with my heterosexual best friends. I know that has often been said by many individuals, but I really think this is something worth discussing.

My first love was found due to us both working together at a electronic retail store. We met and it just clicked, we became inseparable. Everything was fine until about a year in a half into the relationship. I had been suppressing feelings towards this person, and It had finally taken a toll on me.  This person mind you, loved me, but was incapable of having romantic feelings towards me. I then tried to love this person unconditionally, but realized it was something that was tearing me apart so I made the decision to leave.

Fast forward many years and 3 other similar scenarios later and you end up with myself currently  staring at this 3rd persons bike that is locked up at the campus coffee shop that I so happen to be sitting in and writing this paper. He is not in the coffee shop, Im guessing he forgot his bike locked and walked back to his on campus apartment. Again,  I contemplate the attempt to try and love this person unconditional, but again the hardest thing imaginable. I want to say I have learned from the prior two occasions, and it’s easier to cope with the struggle, but sometimes the “what the fuck” just comes out due to the intense emotional baggage that I’m holding. This time I can’t run away- we are neighbors living in the same community and both have another year until we graduate.

I have to end this post without the conclusion I want, due to him just now walking into the coffee shop and sitting next to me. My emotions spike and all I can tell myself is that I’m worthy of love.